Psst, gun-crazy America, can we talk? This fantasy you have about needing to own all kinds of guns, including your favorite AR-15s, just in case you have to revolt against a tyrannical government—it’s cute. It’s actually kind of adorable. Your “cold dead hands” bumper stickers, and your gadsden flags with the creepy cartoon snake, and the way you high five each other in the woods with howls of “molon labe!” after you’ve emptied a clip into a few cans of Genny Cream or a paper cutout of Barack Obama—oh man, it’s all really something.
And by “something” I mean a specific type of psychosis called “delusions of grandeur.”
Look, we tried to go along with it. We tried to ignore it. But now, alas, it’s time for “the talk.” No, bless your hearts, you’re not going to overthrow the government. Ever. Ever ever. Not ever. You. Are. Not. Going. To. Ever. Overthrow. The. Government.
This can be “real talk” time, right? When you strap your super awesome assault rifle on your back just in case ISIS is waiting to ambush you from behind the dumpster at the Wawa Mart when you’re popping in to grab a few sixers of Mountain Dew Code Reds, you don’t look tough, you look like a LARPing convention refugee. When you dress up in full camo with matching face paint to march into the woods every Sunday to shoot chipmunks with your M4 with the infrared laser sight, that doesn’t make you a military warrior any more than dressing up in a My Little Pony onesie to attend a “furry” orgy makes you a plush toy. None of these things are reality, no matter how much you wish they were.
So just stop it.
We get it. You like guns, and you like shooting shit, and that's fine. You can like guns because they make you feel safe, or because you enjoy hunting, or because they make loud noises and cool sparks, or you can even like them because they make you feel like they've fused another three phantom inches of wang meat to your otherwise bantamweight penis. Seriously, whatever floats your boat. But please, please, please stop pretending you need your gun as a last line of defense against a tyrannical government. You sound like an unglued 4th grader. Someone should have mentioned that by now.
For the sake of argument, let’s say your version of the 2nd amendment means what you think it means (even though it doesn’t). Even if the point was to allow you to arm yourself against governmental tyranny, the text of the amendment was written at a time when you had a musket, and the army had a musket. And maybe a few cannons. You may not have noticed, but few things have changed since then.
Reality check: it’s 2018. You could have the most souped up, full-auto, completely bedazzled AR-15 with flames and a badass skull painted on the sides, and I’m pretty sure you’re still not going to be much of a match when the Predator drones show up. Or the Blackhawk helicopter with the M230 chain gun 30mm automatic cannon, 19-shot Hydra 70 rocket pod, AGM-114 Hellfire missiles, AIM-92 Stinger missiles and M134 minion pods. Or an M1 Abrams battle tank. Or basically any fucking weapon of choice our $600 billion a year military budget could bring to bear. But even before any of that happens, the government can just choose to cancel your credit cards, shut off your electricity, poison your water supply, or surround you until you die of starvation without firing a shot, which would make the eventual ceremonial prying of the gun out of your cold, dead hands decidedly anti-climactic, don't you think?
“But if enough of us banded together, maybe we could!” No, you couldn’t. Ask the 1800s Confederacy. You’re talking crazy. It’s sad. “But what if the majority of us decided we all hated the government?!!” Wait a few years and vote them out, Rambo. Read a civics book, sound out the big words. Google: “America.” Or: “Democracy.” You’ll catch on.
In the meantime, back in reality, your expensive and deadly boom boom toys are creating an America that is unlivable, literally, for far too many Americans. Yes, you have rights—limited, by design, by the edicts of a duly elected representative government. But, newsflash, other people have rights too, which is kind of important when you live in an actual society instead of your own make believe war movie. It’s not Red Dawn, you’re not Patrick Swayze, and the rest of us would like you to sit the fuck down for a few minutes while the adults figure out how to solve our 11,000 gun deaths per year murder problem.
That’s reality. 11,000 dead citizens, mercilessly and violently mowed down in schools, theaters, clubs, concerts, or in bedrooms by lifelong domestic abusers who should have never had any legal method to purchase a deadly weapon in the first place. Perhaps you don't share our opinion about how we go about devising a solution, but you should be as bothered as we are by all these senseless murders, don't you think? Why aren't you?
Our reality is more important than your fantasy. And it’s time you allowed that to sink in. Forget trying to be an action hero for a few minutes, and try being a human being.
America will be a lot better for it.